23 Signs of a Bad Friend
Disclaimer: This blog post is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your healing journey. I am not a psychologist, therapist, or medical doctor. I do not offer any medical or professional advice. If you are suffering from mental illness, please seek help from a qualified health professional.
To be honest with you, I’m really sad that I have so much experience in this area of my life. I’ve had some really bad friends. However, this makes me an excellent person to write this post.
Having bad friendships is so painful. It still makes me sad to look back on my life and remember how people I considered my “friends” in my teens and all throughout my twenties treated me.
It took a lot of self love, therapy, and realizing my worth to step back and realize I deserved better out of my friendships.
Remember, your friends are supposed to make your life better! They shouldn’t stress you out and hurt your feelings left and right.
My experience with bad friendships
Most of the bad friends I had, I had to simply walk away from. Some situations were easier than others. It almost always felt heartbreaking, but at best, it was uncomfortable.
I’m a well meaning person, but when someone repeatedly shows you who they are (and it’s a lot of red flags) you have to choose yourself and protect your peace.
Like I said, it took time for me to realize that I deserved better. I was tired of being there for everyone and hardly anyone was there for me.
I had to realize that I deserved support, respect, and kindness, too. Period. And that is NOT too much to expect from someone!
To be honest, I would never dare do half of the things that a lot of my friends would do to me.
I had a friend who would crash on my couch every time she got too drunk and her boyfriend would bail. She never thanked me.
I had a friend who would talk for hourssss needing advice and as soon as I would start to talk she was busy and had to hang up the phone.
I had a friend who, in the worst time of my life, would talk endlessly about herself and didn’t bother to ask how I was doing.
I had a friend who, as I started to get into healing and learning about the nervous system, she thought I was weird and didn’t want to hear about it.
There were so many times that after I would hang out with these friends that I would sit in my car and just sob.
These friends made me feel so unseen and so unloved.
I’m lucky to say, now, I have really great friends. They support me. I can be my full self. They respect me and what I’m into. We have fun together. There’s no drama. It feels 1000x better than many of my old friends.
Why we stay in bad friendships
For me, I was so deep in the fawn response and trapped in people pleasing. I didn’t know how to leave.
I have so much compassion for the younger version of me that didn’t know better.
I can see now looking back that my need for connection was greater than my value of self respect. The immense need for connection drives human behavior. Even when we’re in toxic situations, we will sacrifice our well-being for even breadcrumbs of connection.
In many ways, connection = love.
I was deeply disconnected from myself, too. And I was searching for connection in all the wrong places.
Knowing what I know now, I would have done so many things differently.
If I could go back in time, let's say to age 15, I would tell my younger self that these 20 signs are RED FLAGS when it comes to friends!
23 Signs of a toxic friendship
They get jealous of you when you’re happy.
A friend who can’t be happy when you’re happy, is a sign of a bad friend. A good friend will get excited about your new boyfriend, your promotion, your cute puppy, and your new apartment. Even if she is going through a hard time, she can probably take a moment to celebrate your joy. You should never have to hide or feel bad about being excited about something.
They don’t support your success.
When a friend doesn’t acknowledge or celebrate your achievements, or brushes it off like no big deal, it really hurts. You deserve the recognition and excitement from the people who you consider your closest friends. Most likely, they are probably deep down very jealous of you. But still, that’s not fair to you at all. You deserve a friend that will celebrate alongside you!
They subtly criticize you.
Subtle criticisms, sometimes disguised as jokes or “constructive” feedback, will subconsciously lower your self-esteem. Pay attention to non-verbal cues, too. Any eye roll, raised eyebrow, or tone of voice that makes you feel sheepish for speaking your mind, is a sign of a toxic friend.
They don’t ask about your life.
A friend who never asks to hear about you or what’s going on in your life is focused on themselves. Period. Any normal friend should want to hear what’s going on in your life. This will probably make you feel really unseen if they don’t ask to hear what you’ve been up to.
They don’t listen.
A good listener has become my top quality I look for in a friend. A good friend should listen to what you have to share and respond in a way that shows they were listening. If they’re on their phone or not paying attention, it gives the subtle cue that they just aren’t interested in hearing about you and your life. And that hurts a lot.
They make the conversation all about them.
When a friend constantly steers the conversation back to themselves, it leaves little room for you to share your thoughts or experiences, making you feel unheard and undervalued. This trait makes it obvious they are only using you for YOUR listening skills and empathy. This is unfair. You deserve the same in return.
They disappear when you’re going through something difficult.
Also called: fair weather friends. A true friend stands by you during tough times. If someone is consistently absent or “busy” when you need support, it may be a sign that they only care about themselves.
They belittle you in any way.
Whether it’s through sarcasm, tone of voice, jokes, or outright insults, belittling comments or even body language can make you feel like crap. It can make you super self conscious, too. If you think something is cool, they don’t have to necessarily agree, but they can support you in liking it! Don’t let someone belittle you for being yourself.
They talk negatively about your other friends.
A friend who speaks poorly of your other relationships may be trying to isolate you or control you. They might be trying to encourage gossiping that you wouldn’t normally do. This can be manipulative and narcissistic behavior. Also, how rude is it to say mean things about someone else that YOU consider to be a friend? It puts you in an awkward position. That’s a no for me.
They are possessive over you.
Possessiveness in a friendship can feel suffocating. This person may try to control who you spend time with or become overly clingy, disregarding your need for space. These friends usually start talking negatively about your other friends so you are more inclined only to hang out with them. This is narcissistic and a huge red flag.
They lack empathy.
A friend who shows little to no empathy may plow right over your feelings or fail to acknowledge your emotions at all. This will leave you feeling nothing but unsupported and alone. It might make you feel crazy for having emotions! But I promise, your feelings are normal, their lack of empathy is not.
There is always a lot of drama and conflict.
When you have a friend who always has 101 emergency drama or is starting fights with you or someone else, this can get exhausting really quick. Get out of that friendship ASAP.
They gossip about everyone else.
It’s a standard rule that if a friend gossips about others, they’re probably gossiping about you, too. This is definitely a person you want to be careful with what information you share. They will most likely share it with others and possibly say negative things about you behind your back.
They cross your boundaries.
This is a big no-no. Disrespecting your personal boundaries is a sign of a friend who doesn’t respect you at all. If you say you’re busy, it does not mean they make an anonymous appearance at your house. Or if you say you really have to leave at 9, they don’t crack open a new bottle of wine at 8:45.
They dismiss your feelings.
When a friend dismisses or invalidates your emotions, it can make you feel wrong or shameful about having emotions in the first place. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling misunderstood and unseen, and anyone that dismisses your feelings like they’re no big deal is not a good friend. Your feelings always matter.
They are unreliable.
A friend who constantly cancels plans, barely responds to texts, is always late, or is impossible to rely on for anything is a very difficult person to maintain a friendship with. With these people, YOU have to do all the making plans, the driving, the parking, even the paying sometimes, and it’s so frustrating. I don’t blame you for not keeping these friends around.
You don’t enjoy time with them.
If spending time with a friend feels more like an obligation than a pleasure, it may be a sign that the friendship is no longer fulfilling or positive. Don’t feel bad about this. Sometimes friends just outgrow each other and that’s okay.
They can’t be flexible.
If you have a friend that’s overly rigid about what you do, what you wear, when you need to be there, who is going to pick you up, how you need to act, etc….You may need to find someone who can loosen up. Life happens. Sometimes you need to reschedule. Sometimes you need to push back the time you all hang out. Sometimes you need to do something cheaper to save money. And all of that is okay. That’s life! You need a friend that can understand when things come up and can be flexible about it.
They only reach out when they need something.
These people will call or text you when they have an issue, but don’t do the same for you. You see them a lot when they have problems, but as soon as the issue is resolved, they disappear. These people are flakey and are just using you for your kind support. It’s not fair to you at all.
They are always complaining.
Constant complaining is so draining from anyone, but especially from your closest friends. Sometimes people need to vent, but that’s not what I mean. Constant complainers usually have little interest in improving their situation, they would just rather sit around and complain about it and not do anything. It could be a great day, but these people will find something to complain about! This is really negative energy and frankly, really annoying. I would keep these people at a distance to protect your peace.
They try to compete with you.
A friend who constantly tries to outdo you or turn everything into a competition is so frustrating. Why can’t you both shine? There’s no need to compete for who makes more money, who is prettier, who has the better husband, or anything else. You can spot these friends by someone who brags a lot about what they have, while simultaneously putting you down.
They talk down to you.
A friend who talks down to you, acting as if they’re superior to you is flat out disrespecting you. Trying to make someone else feel inferior is a BIG sign they are very insecure and need to boost their own self esteem. Any condescending behavior isn’t okay. Friendships are built on mutual respect.
The friendship is one-sided.
The friendship is one-sided when you’re putting in all the effort while the other person gives little in return. This will probably make you feel resentful and angry. If one person does all the reaching out, making plans, and leading the conversation, it’s unfair to you. A one-sided friendship is unsustainable. When one person is the Giver and the other person is the Taker, it creates a very unbalanced friendship.
Whether you still have toxic friends with some of these traits, or you’re like me and you remember the bad friends from the past, I’m sorry that you’ve been in painful friendships.
Transitioning out of these friendships can be tricky, but it’s completely possible. You only have one life. You can’t spend it without support. You need quality friendships!
You deserve the same love, effort, and respect you give others. Really.
I hope this post helped you in some way. Remember to choose yourself.
