How to Let Go of the Past

Healing

Dec 2

Disclaimer: This blog post is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your healing journey. I am not a psychologist, therapist, or medical doctor. I do not offer any medical or professional advice. If you are suffering from mental illness, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

Table of Contents

Holding on keeps you stuck.

If you’re reading this post, I assume the past is bothering you in some way.

Maybe you think about it more often than you want to. Maybe you’re struggling to move forward in some aspect. Maybe you feel chained to who you used to be. Maybe past events are consuming you entirely.

Trust me, I’ve been there.

I’ve learned how to honor myself, my past, and move on in a really gentle and empowering way.

Good or bad, you are the result of all of your past experiences and decisions in this present moment.

What part of the past is keeping you stuck? Maybe it’s…

Rejection from a person you loved
A dream job or opportunity that is no longer available
Heartbreak from someone that left
Heartbreak from choosing to leave someone
Death of a family member, friend, or pet
Grieving something you really wanted but didn’t get
A traumatic event that keeps you in survival mode
A difficult childhood that you had no control over
Simply, anger about the cards you were dealt

Related Post: The Best 10 Books for Inner Child Healing

Events such as these cause a significant disruption in our lives. It can feel impossible to feel happy or go back to “normal” when things like this happen to us.

These are really big emotions to process and oftentimes very complex.

For example, maybe you have grief for losing someone, but also feel guilty for not doing more to be there for them, but also have anger for the way that others’ handled it.

These big events cause layers of really intense emotions. It can feel really messy and overwhelming, and can cause us to shut down.

Maybe you’re expressing some of these emotions, but they aren’t going away.

Maybe you’re questioning God, faith, and what the reasons are for the things you’ve experienced.

Maybe you feel bland, lifeless, and confused.

If you feel stuck, simply going through the motions not really sure what to do next, I’m here to help and support you.

Why is it so hard to move forward? How can these emotions be so consuming? What exactly is keeping me from going on and enjoying my life?

I believe it’s because it’s for these 4 reasons.

These are the reasons you feel stuck in the past (4 reasons)

1. The emotions are contradicting, complex, and overwhelming.

Life altering events are not always easy to process. We can have opposite emotions from the same event which leaves us with a lot of inner conflict.

Some examples:

Maybe you are angry that your parents raised you the way they did (anger), but you know they were doing their best (compassion, guilt for being angry).
Maybe you decided to separate from your partner who turned out to not be who you thought they were (disappointment) and you simultaneously miss who you thought they were (sadness, grief of the old relationship).
Maybe you lost your brother suddenly (grief, sadness), but you didn’t have a great relationship and he wasn’t kind to you or your family (guilt for not being more sad, regret for not mending the relationship when he was alive).
Maybe you wanted to be a lawyer, got an undergrad degree in pre-law, and went to law school, but then couldn’t pass the BAR even after trying 3 times (defeat, hopelessness, peace for not having to push yourself so hard anymore, guilt for giving up).

Contradicting emotions happen all the time. Without a grounded understanding of how we feel, we stay stuck in the messiness of the past.

Emotions are so, so complex. Life is so complex and can leave us perplexed and confused about what we actually feel.

Without awareness, acceptance, and understanding, we stay stuck in the overwhelm.

2. You’re still attached.

Attachment is so powerful. It’s like glue. It keeps us clinging to what’s familiar and known deeply in our bodies.

Attachment (especially to another person) is also very primal. We don’t consciously choose to attach! We are healthier and happier people when we attach to others, experience closeness, and ride the wave of familiarity. Attachment, biologically, really benefits us in this way.

However, when we’re attached to a person, situation, or future outcome, and it falls apart (AKA, our attachment is broken) it is extremely painful.

Attachment doesn’t just apply to people. We can be attached to emotions, routines, expectations, and how things “used to be” for us.

Maybe you’re still gripping onto an old attachment, bringing you a false sense of comfort.
Maybe you’re still not over an ex from 5 years ago.
Maybe you’re still angry about how someone treated you 10 years ago.
Or maybe, you’re still upset about life not going to plan 20 years ago.

This is how powerful attachment is.

People stay angry, upset, and resentful for a lifetime when their attachment is broken.

Related Post: How to Get Unstuck

This tight grip is keeps you from letting go and moving on. It keeps you stuck, not moving forward.

Attachment to people, emotions, and outcomes take up space in your body and doesn’t allow you to live in peace.

3. You want justice or answers.

Whenever we experience something unfair, either from another person or God/fate/the universe, our minds naturally are drawn toward answering the question…why. Why did this happen? Why did this happen to me?

These questions are valid. Some things are so unfair and seemingly make no sense why they could’ve happened. We get caught up in trying to put the puzzle pieces together, and that alone can be all-consuming.

And unfortunately, there could be a million different answers to why things happen the way they did. I don’t believe that there’s one specific reason why something happened.

You’ll go insane trying to figure out…why. There is no one answer.

Continuing to seek answers to why things happened, keeps you stuck in the past.

4. It feels morally wrong to.

Many times if you experience loss of some kind, it feels wrong to move on.

If you experienced a loss by death, and you go back to work and start living your “normal” life, it may feel wrong to you. Deep down it feels wrong to move on without them.

If you’ve ended a relationship and you start dating again, it might feel wrong, too. Almost like you’re cheating on them, or if your new ex found out, it would hurt their feelings.

There are many reasons (usually out of compassion) that it might feel wrong to move on. But chances are, especially if you do it in a kind way, it’s really okay to move on.

If we choose to believe that it’s wrong to move on, we will stay stuck in the past forever.

What does moving on really mean?

Moving forward might mean different things depending on the situation.

For a broken heart, moving forward might mean deleting photos of them, and or getting rid of things that remind you of the thing, and getting excited to date again. It might be grounding in your true sense of self and increasing your self worth.

If you lost a person, moving on might mean laughing again, going back to work, potentially moving homes, and changing up your routine without them.

If an opportunity didn’t work out, moving on would be finding something new to be passionate about and going all in for it.

Moving on means accepting what has happened and choosing to live a meaningful life anyway.

Moving on is finding peace, not in the black or white, but in the gray.

Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. It means remembering and honoring what didn’t go to plan, and choosing to be okay with a new path ahead.

How to let go of the past (4 steps)

This is my own version of the 5 stages of grief. It’s important to remember that this process can not be forced or sped up. It might mean this could take weeks, but it could also take years.

And that’s okay!

The steps also don’t necessarily go in order. You might start at 1, jump to 3, hit 4, then 2, and be back at 1. But I do believe each step is necessary at some point.

1. Allow someone to witness you in your pain.

Being seen in our messy emotions (in my opinion) is necessary to move on and let go of the past. We all have a need to be seen, heard, and understood especially in our hardest moments.

When we are seen in our anger, sadness, and grief it feels like something within us has been healed. When someone can hold space for you and truly listen to understand, we feel accepted and understood. We feel held. We feel normal for feeling the way we do. We feel truly comforted and supported. We know that we’re not alone.

When this doesn’t happen, many people walk around still trying to convince others’ that what happened to them was really hard and really that bad for us.

I see this a lot for people with unresolved childhood wounds. When you see an adult that casually makes jokes about having gone through difficult times, I would be willing to bet that no one has sat with them in their pain. They do this to gauge if someone will listen.

Related Post: The Best 10 Books for Inner Child Healing

When we’re heard, we feel supported. When we’re supported, we’re empowered to move forward.

If needed, I’m available to be the person who listens while you share your experience. If you’d like to book a call with me, click the button below and fill out the form and I would be more than honored to be the one who holds space for you and supports you while you move through this challenging time.

Book a coaching call with Emily

2. Accept that it happened.

Sometimes this step can be really hard to do. Facing the reality of what happened can be too difficult to face, especially without good support.

But simultaneously, it can feel like a weight off your shoulders or a breath of fresh air.

Hard truth: You can’t change the past. What has happened, has happened. All you can do is decide how your path will look moving forward.

We can’t un-do it, as much as so many of us would like to. We can’t travel back in time and change outcomes. We have to live with what happened as difficult and life altering as that can be.

It can be easier to stay in denial. To really, really wish the past had gone differently.

But this can also inspire you and I to live our lives differently and for the better.

Maybe it will inspire you to focus on your relationships more. To listen more. To hug people a little tighter.

Maybe it will inspire you to date more intentionally, so you don’t have a broken heart again.

Maybe it will inspire you to dive deeper into yourself, and be proud of how you handled things.

With acceptance, comes a new way of looking at life and a deeper knowing of who you are.

Acceptance of the past and fresh eyes looking forward might be the change you really need.

Related Post: How to Deeply Believe in Yourself

3. Think about how things will be different.

When your world gets rocked, so do your future plans.

You can’t change the past, but we can make new choices that can direct us down a different path.

When you’re ready, you might be able to ponder what a new future might look like for yourself. Whatever you are letting go of, it’s time to see what new path is available to you now.

If you are moving on from a partner, what new experiences might be available to you now? Maybe trying new restaurants on dates, and falling in love with someone new and more aligned with you.

If you are trying to let go of a difficult childhood, how can the obstacles you faced make you more empowered? What if you went on to help others’ in the same situation? How can you go above and beyond to take better care of yourself than your parents’ ever did? How can you make new choices that will put you in a much more successful situation?

If you are moving on from losing someone, how can you honor them in your future endeavors? Maybe you dedicate a day every year doing their favorite things, or you commit your time to helping others in a similar situation? What tradition of theirs can you continue on holidays to keep their essence in your life?

This step is all about asking, “What if…” in a positive tone. What if things turn out okay? What if over time, I find joy again?

There is profound sense of peace when you can shift into remembering that things can get really good for you again. It may not be what you originally planned, but still really, really good.

4. Embrace new beginnings.

Even though things will not be how you once planned them to be, you can still live a beautiful, fulfilling, and meaningful life.

As cliche (and probably annoying) as it sounds, somehow things might turn out better than you had originally expected.

Maybe now that you’re not with your ex, you can move to a new state that you had always wanted to visit.

Maybe since you weren’t able to complete your degree, you have found a new career path that is more meaningful to you.

Maybe since the loss of your father, your family honors him every year on his birthday with a trip to his favorite restaurant and watching his favorite movie.

There is something really humbling about new beginnings. They remind us that we can still get exciting about something new. We can make new memories. We can find more people to love. We can find deeper meaning in our lives.

New beginnings breed hope that something great is in store for us.

I never said moving on was easy. It’s messy, emotional, insanely painful, frustrating, and sometimes unbearable.

But moving on, which is really moving through, the pain of the past allows us to grow, connect, a live a more intentional life.

Let me know in the comments if you found this post helpful, and if I can further support you. ♥

Emily Jane

I’m a personal development blogger, educator, and coach. I’m a certified mindset coach, EFT practitioner, and hypnotherapist.

I help women transform their lives by upgrading their self worth, releasing the past, and healing their stress response using subconscious rewiring techniques.

https://www.emilyjanecoach.com/